From Hell to Healing
”In your darkest hour, what saved you? What helped you find the strength to carry on?”
These are the questions posed by Matthew Graybosch for September's IndieWeb Carnival, Power Underneath Despair.
My darkest moment in life occurred about five years ago. For a long time, I understood that something wasn't right, but refused to accept it — both for those around me and for myself.
"I'm handling this myself! I won’t let anyone think there’s something wrong with me, ever. I got this!"
I tried weight training, yoga, meditation, running, seeking spirituality, reading books, attending online events, going on retreats…
While these activities provided some temporary relief, they weren't enough. My issues ran deeper. I needed professional help but had the foolish belief that seeking it was a sign of weakness.
Though I never actively considered suicide, I desperately wished I wasn’t alive. On the rare nights when I managed to get a few hours of sleep in a row, I would wake up in the morning with dread. It was like being hit with a wave of anxiety and fear as I realized the truth:
"No, damn it! I'm still alive."
Strength didn't save me. It was when my strength ran out that I finally admitted to myself that I needed professional help.
When I finally saw a doctor, I completely broke down. Without even speaking, she understood the severity of my situation and ensured I received immediate assistance from a specialist in the field.
After numerous sessions and evaluations, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Simply put, it's a living hell. In Swedish, the acronym sounds like the English word "God." The irony...
A treatment plan was put together, combining therapy and medication. I took the first pill on April 1 of that year, no joke. Slowly but surely, I began to recover. There were setbacks, but overall, I felt like I was making progress.
Today, five years later, I feel better than ever. When I look back on those darkest moments, they seem like a stranger's experiences. Which, when you think about it, is kind of true.
At the end, when the clock stroke for the darkest hour in my life, it became the wake-up call I needed to find my way back to the light.